I need to really calm down and rethink my next steps.

Reassurance.

I think I need a lot of that, in everything I do, just so I know I’m doing it right, and doing it well. That’s an awful lot of commas, I know. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m a good enough friend. Other than listening to the woes and sometimes happiness of my friends, I hardly ever do anything else for them. I don’t do Christmas presents, I don’t do birthday gifts (sometimes). Is materialism all that counts in a friendship? No… right?

There we go, more reassurance. How much more insecurities can wrap around me is beyond my imagination, and yours too for that matter.

Anyway, I had my NS check-up last Friday and it was interesting. I’ve to go back there again this Friday though, because of my piercing which I can’t remove cos it was screwed on so tight. Gonna head to the piercing store tomorrow to remove it (maybe get new jewelry for my tragus) and possibly get a new piercing somewhere. Been wanting a new one for sometime now but I’m not sure where to get it, maybe I’ll get the upper lip frenulum piercing afterall.We’ll see.

And then sometime in April, I have to go to NUH cos apparently, my ECG showed some abnormalities in my heart-beat. Think I’m gonna die soon.

Some other things on my to-buy list include Adele @ Royal Albert Hall and possibly Beyonce’s 4 Live DVD. LOL amongst other things, NEW T-SHIRTS THAT I CAN ACTUALLY WEAR IN SINGAPORE. Okay.

I’ve been meeting my friend who recently came back from Shanghai for almost everyday the past week. We went back to NP, stayed at NUS an entire day, and spoke to our tutors again yesterday. Being at NUS the other day made me feel a sort of nice warm and fuzzy feeling. I’m a really intuitive (or if you insist, sensitive) person so if I have a good feeling about a place, I’m pretty sure it’ll end up good. The same goes for people. LOL

Anyway, after speaking to our tutors yesterday, it was thinking time… AGAIN. For the both of us, we’re such thinkers – we often think too much about the future and look back too much on past set-backs that stop us from doing a lot of things many a time. We’re safe people. I think that’s why we relate some sort. It’s nice to have someone my age who thinks this much too, and on the same wavelength. I’ve enjoyed my past three days more than I’ve ever in the past five months. The good company, the thinking, and the going to NUS, probably.

Fingers crossed I get in, really.

The final report probably added to this shitty feeling that I had cos I was so trapped between uni choices but I had to complete my final report. All 26 pages done now. And while speaking to my mom last night, I could feel my tear glands act up. It was bad.

To put the cherry on the cake, a few friends and I were supposed to head out for some good booze tonight to wash away the troubles of the past week. They backed out all of a sudden and as you might or might not know, I hate last minute changes. At the shittiest point, they had to bail. I felt like utter crap.

But mom quickly spoke to me about her work and the problems that she faces that made me think, WHAT ARE MY PROBLEMS!? They’re so trivial, they’re not even problems.

Anyway. I’m sure I had more to write last night but my shitty mood has since be elevated to a good one.

I’d love to one day live in Siglap with my spouse, a nice quaint and understated home that has a simple yet impressive interior. Fully furnished with wood and a big open-concept kitchen for us to cook some home-made meals when we’re not too tired out from work.

A mini cooper (or two) to get around the island, and on to the main streets of Siglap for that cozy-looking Starbucks, or the exotic restaurants that line the streets.

On Saturdays, we would wake up early in the morning to go for a good breakfast before returning home to take a nap. Oh, the fatness that will develop is not appealing. Perhaps we’ll go cycling or roller-blading before we head home to those huge shower panel that simulate heavy rain. The joy.

Maybe kids when we’re a little older.

Having visited Tokyo DisneySea (again) last November and seeing annoying kids all over the place, I have decided that I will in the future hold my 5-year-old’s hand and run around the exact same park, as annoyingly as the little kids I saw. Dressed in the best outfits a child can have.

But I sit here now and all I can do is dream that happens. In many ways, I am so much like a Virgo. I know, starsigns are for losers but those I read are really true.

We’re never good enough.

My school results aren’t stellar enough to get into a local U. My dancing has once again, reached the nth plateau. Some of whom I really treasure as friends don’t seem to reciprocate the same feelings I do for them. I can’t blame them, I’m really just hard to deal with.

When I was younger I always knew that if I worked for what I wanted, it will happen eventually. But looking at property prices yesterday made me die a little inside. The prices of these property are so extravagant I’m not sure I’ll even be able to pay the deposit in the future.

If a person were to buy a property of SGD2million (this is in future value since these properties are constantly appreciating) and earn SGD10,000 a month, he will need a little less than 20 years to fully pay off the property. I haven’t even included the daily expenses and all the other miscellaneous expenses. LOL

And how long will you take before you actually earn 10,000 a month? You’ll need to be at least 30 unless you’re a prodigy.

I don’t know how to go on living anymore. Hopefully 10/20 years down the road (if I do live that long), I’ll look back at this entry and think how stupid I was to have thought that could never happen. hahah…

Feet don’t fail me now, take me to the finish line.

I made a choice, and it’s what I have to live with.

So, my “post-internship” thoughts. Before I begin, I’d just really like to thank all the people here regardless of whether I hated them at some point or not (cue the lulz). Because through all this, at the end of the day, and as cliche as this sounds, it has made me a stronger person – one who can tolerate more crap, anyway.

But definitely, this was an extreme eye-opener for me to the corporate world and having gone through this internship really makes me wonder whether business administration will really be my choice of study. If I do get into the uni that I’d like to get into and do this course, would it be a choice that I will not regret?

It’s good to have choices, but choices that will stick with you for your entire lifetime are pressing choices that has to be made, but may be filled with regret. They say it’s better to regret something that you have done than something you haven’t. But let’s all sit back for a while and really think – in this realistic world, all we really care about is being happy and living a good life ($$).

Ok, so maybe those two don’t come in a pair.

I digress.

Back to my thoughts on internship. I’d really like to give a big thank you to my nice colleague for being so nice to me throughout the last three months or so. We didn’t start out close and to be brutally honest, I couldn’t tolerate the way she spoke. Bad, I know. But I really can’t stand it when people try to speak English when it’s not their main language. I understand Mandarin too, you know? You can speak to me in Mandarin. lol

Initially, I also hated that she gave me so much of her work. I truly felt like a saikang warrior in my first two months. Add explaining all the work to me to the list and that’s probably all the problems I had with her. I’d like to stress on the HAD.

I don’t need you to explain what I’m doing for you, just let me know what to do and I’ll get it done, especially when I’m in companies like this where I’m not really interested in the work I’m doing.

Anyway, we had more and more lunches together, and she’d complain to me about this other colleague and so on and so forth. It was fun while it lasted, not gonna say I’m gonna dearly miss it. But maybe one day down the road, I’ll say this was my best working experience. You never know, and remind me of how shitty I thought this internship was if I ever said that.

Just yesterday, I reluctantly followed her out to town to get lunch having been a sloth the past week or two, staying back in the office during lunchbreak. I was as shocked at myself for wanting to do so. I had fun though, yesterday. We sat at Spinelli and she bought me a farewell lunch and we just spoke about everything while the rain poured heavily. It was nice and pleasant.

Coming to this company really made me realise the value of money. Some of these colleagues are truly a great inspiration for myself, seeing them work so hard and spend so little really makes me re-think of my lifestyle…… for a split second. Still, it’s a start.

So I sit here now on my unofficial last working day and am proud to say I have made it through the last five months with my boss awarding us “Best interns they’ve ever had”, I truly believe it when he says that cos, we’re just good. LOL

One last week to pull through and I’ll be graduating with a Diploma in International Business. How time flies, I really don’t want to turn 20 this year. Can I not just stay 16?

What a great way to spoil my day just when I was thinking we could start talking normally. (Y)